Rescue is hard, there are some amazing highs, and then some huge emotional lows, a lot like a rollarcoaster. I often find all I can do is hang on, and try and enjoy the ride. I have to make decisions everyday that affects living creatures, and I always want to make sure these are the right decisions. However, sometimes, it goes wrong, and that is one of the toughest moments... the what if moment.
Sadly two of the "Nuts" died on Sunday, it was a tragic accident involving a cockroach, which had been sprayed at some point with pesticide. The pups being pups found this one, small roach, which cost them their lives. Their small bodies couldn't fight the poison, and they died.
Now, this would have been tough enough if it had happened here, but it happened in a foster home. A "safe" place that I had decided to send them to, where there are loving people, small people to play with and all the love they could want. I sent them there, me I made that decision, and it went wrong. If I had made a different one, they would still be here.
I do not blame the foster family at all, it was a tragic accident that could have happened anywhere, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I failed those pups, the buck stops with me, my rescue, my decisions, my mistakes. I took a day to cry, get angry, and cry some more. Death in rescue is more common than people realize, many rescuers do not share the mortality rate, or harsh reality of loss, but you know me, transparency is key to a good rescue. So, although my heart is heavy, and those tears rolled down my cheeks, The reality is all the tears in the world is not bringing them back, we have to learn and move on.